This afternoon in a flash of understanding, I realized something profound.  I was talking about relationships, and how important it is that people are open and genuine with each other.  Often people bend the truth, or leave things unsaid when interacting with others whom we like, and who we want to like us back.  We show them the parts of ourselves that we think they will appreciate, and leave out the parts that we think they wont.

The problem with this duality is, that in relationships, we should be with someone who wants to be with us for who we truly are, not who we pretend to be.  In the later case, you not only hurt the other person, but you hurt yourself, why should you spend your time with someone who doesn’t want to be with who you truly are, all disguises and falsehoods aside.  They often add complexity and only delay the inevitable.

I suppose the reason for having the pseudo-image we portray to others is two fold, first we want the other person to like us, second because we want control over judgment.  By telling the other person things that make us look good, we try to influence their interpretation of us.  If on the other hand, if you tell the other person everything, good and bad, you are leaving their judgment of you, in their hands.  Rather then knowing the probable reaction to fabricated or “chosen”  information, laying it all out there openly can be more vulnerable to interpretation.

But, if you constantly show your partner your “genuine” self throughout the relationship, it will either end sooner, which leaves you looking for a more suitable match, or it strengthens your relationship through trust, learning, and understanding.  No one is perfect, we all have anxieties, imperfections, issues, etc, but we also have desires, self-potential, feelings, aspirations, and the need for companionship/community.

Throughout the rest of the day, I realized the extended significance of this self-image vs public-image idea.  Co-workers, managers, friends, etc are all effected by it.  As humans we unconsciously make judgments of people based on what we know of them.  The more similar your portrayed image is to your genuine image, the less stressful/complicated your life will be.  Additionally, a dissimilar public vs genuine image, acts as a crutch, which placates the need for true growth and self-improvement, since you artificially are the way you want to be, at least as you portray to others.

To summarize, I believe we should strive to be as genuine as we can be, and work on improving areas we might otherwise be tempted to cover up through “creative marketing.”  Similar to having a messy room as a child, then learning the virtues of organization as we grow older, I think the rapid progression to being more genuine with ourselves and others, leads to a more fulfilling life of self-growth, and improved relationships with others.

I look forward to hearing your views of this topic and maybe sharing your own experiences.

update: (later that day, in the night)

warning: Late night thoughts before bed, take them for a grain of salt.

I’ve come across many “eurika” moments in my life, however this one seems to be a bit different.  Often the others were fleeting, I would have a temporary surge after studying things like: Zen Buddhism, filled with thoughts of an, “unyielding will & indomitable spirit,” or Covey’s Habits, Og Mandingo’s Scrolls, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, etc.  These things came, and went, leaving a small, but lasting impression on me.

My discovery today feels like the others, however not so strong at first, yet making practical sense, enough to endure beyond a fleeting moment.  It’s still the same day, only later, but I’ve reflected on my earlier thoughts for much of the day.  I noticed things like being more aware of my surroundings as I took it all in, meeting the gaze of all I passed.  I reflected on moods, and how up and down our emotions and self image can be.  One moment we are highly adept at something, ready to take on all comers, the next we feel insignificant and just want the moments to pass quickly.

So often we have the desire to please others, often by bending our own personality at the time to meet some stereotypical concept or preconceived notion of what will work best in that situation or at that time.  I suppose this is ingrained in our life from childbirth, always wanting to please our parents who provided us nourishment when we couldn’t provide for ourselves, our only ability then was to make our parents happy.

I reflected on these things, and tried to shed that often changing, “Public Image” that I had expressed in the past.  I was surprised to realized that this extended to more then simply what we “tell” others, but even how we see ourselves.  I found contentment in simply living the singular “genuine self,” without the burden of changing, environmentally influenced, pseudo images.  This, over time, fostered increased confidence in things, and acceptance of who I am, which empowers me to grow, conformable in the constant base I start from.  For how can you build on an unstable, easily changing foundation?

goodnight, & forgive any typos ;)

Paul